Still here

I guess it was harder than I thought to get through all that stuff... but I do feel as though it was a good thing. There are more stories about the days, weeks, months after Mom died, but for now I want to re-post something I wrote in a private group just a few minutes ago.

"Weird realization. A few weeks ago, sometime in December, I experienced a moment when I physically felt myself letting go of my mother, and she of me. It was very unexpected and took me completely by surprise, but it was sort of a bittersweet little feeling of, "OK, it's time to do this now."

"And then yesterday I looked back over the past few weeks and found myself feeling more confident about my choices in life than I can remember feeling... ever. There was a lot of judgment from my mom, and anytime I made a decision, there was always a part of the decision that had to do with what my mother was going to think, or how I should present it to her so she wouldn't freak out. Not having that added factor to consider while choosing my path feels very different. And good.

"And then, this morning. I was thinking of all this stuff as I drove into work, and I suddenly "got" why it felt physically different. When I let go of Mom, a weight lifted from my chest. Instead of having her weighing on my heart, I have a very clear feeling that she is now resting lightly on my shoulder. And smiling.

"This is very good. A little sad, in a lot of different ways. But good."